I can’t wait to go to the ocean on Monday

I wish I could explain these emotions to whoever wanted to know. But I cannot. I just know that somebody out there understands, and that is all that matters. 

feeling the weight of the world right now 

(via thatkindofwoman)

it’s a funny moment when you realize that your initial reaction is not actually your own, but what you feel like you SHOULD be feeling. and once you realize it, and you DON’T actually feel that way, but in fact, the opposite, it’s just… weird. 

word vomit, she called it. yeah, it might feel good, but then you’re just left with a bunch of little piles of vomit, and no solution. so what’s a resolution, anyway? a firm decision to do or not to do something. so okay. I decide right now; I’ll never do this again. I’ll never see you again or look at you again or kiss your forehead before I fall asleep, ever. again. I’ll never hold your hand or whisper to you on the phone in the middle of the night when I awake from a bad dream. I’ll never let you hold me or read Dumb Bunnies to me in your underwear. and I can say these things, and I can mean them right now. but that’s the thing with the present, it only lasts for an instant. as John Mayer once said- by the time I recognize this moment, this moment will be gone.  so even if I do make a resolution, it’s not a one-time decision. I have to remind myself, every waking moment, of what our realtity has become. what my reality has become.  I shouldn’t even use the word our anymore, because we are not in this together.  there is no we. there is a you, and there is an I, but the common thread is gone and we’re left with just the memory. but that’s where the finalities start to eat away at my brain and my heart. i don’t handle finalities all that well. maybe that’s just the unrealistic dreamer that lives inside my skin; holding on to some desperate, twisted form of hope. but reality is heavy.  It all is starting to feel like a dream, you said. dreams aren’t real, I replied. they’re more real, was your answer. and maybe they are. maybe they really are. and maybe one day, we’ll meet again as I sleep.